a month later...

A month later and I'm seeing things in a different way. My last session with my therapist was surprising. She said stuff that she´s been saying everytime but then at the end, she suddenly changed direction. In the next meeting, we'll decide wheither I'm taking the next step and send me to the experts, or if I'm going to wait for maybe a year or even a couple of years.

Ever since then, I've been thinking about the whole thing. What is it that I feel? The thoughts circles around the physical body, at first back in 2006, I was all about "passing" as a male, checked out websites and communities to get tips on how to pass. But these last few months I've completely stopped doing that. (Eccept for occasionally making my own beard) I stopped trying to be a male, since I've met alot of guys whom I now look up to, these guys are my role models and they are al different. One is like, really macho, another is what some might say "totally gay" they are all different and they all have sides which are not sterotype manly. They are just being themselves.

About thoughts on my physical body, whenever I close my eyes, dream, imagine, I see my body as if it would be a male body. When I open my eyes, I... feel lost.
I know I can never have a real functional dick, but still I want one, I want that flat chest, hair on my chest, arms, legs, ass and face. I wawnt to go through puberty one more time, just so I can walk out of it and recognize myself.

Id ont really care about the legal namechange, social security number and all. No paper in the world can define who I am. Only me and the people around me can do that.

But what do I do? Take the next step, or wait? Its a week and a half to next session, time is just running away...