anger and frustration

This is no good, I need to do something about my situation. As soon as I have nothing to do, nothing on my schedule or something I go deep diving within myself. The thing is that I always forget to bring the ladder so I have a hard time to get back up.

I have to go see my grandparents today. I really don't want to, I don't know why.
My girlfriends was thrilled when I told her, but I'm not. It made me angry, when I said I didn' t want to and she was all like "meh! come on, it'll be fun! Don't be like that" We go separate ways on that subject. She even spontaniously went to her cousins for dinner the other week. I don't know why but I like the distance between my relatives, we see eachother on certain occasions, like the newyear dinner, midsummer, birthdays and so on. This... This is not that, I have to meet with them, be social. I hate being social with my realtives. I don't want to talk about my life with them, I don't want tell them about my work, studies, girlfriend, future plans or whatever. I DON'T WANT TO! OKAY!! SO JUST SHUT UP! CAN EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF AND SHUT UP! I'm obviously low at the moment, but I haven't been allowed to be angry, I havent been able to take things off my chest. I wanna be able to walk back and forth, screaming, shoutng telling someone how much I hate things at the moment, but I always get smuthered.
Stupid it's just so stupid! I'm stupid you're stupid we're stupid, he's stupid, she's stupid eveyone is just so fucking stupid!!!!!
Everything is just so fucked up and I feel like I'm in the middle of all shit.
Scream, break something, destructive feelings rushing through my veins, just waitng to take control. Hate it. It'll probably just fade away, or have I built up too much anger and frustration this time? I miss those days when I could just go out in the woods, take stick and just scream and break it, another one throw somerocks at nothing, shouting out how much I hate everything and everyone. Maybe I should take trip up north... Visit an awesome friend, but mostly to be alone and just let everthing out.
Why do I have this selfcontrol? Why do I keep myself from breaking things? There is so much around me to break, and the feeling afterwards... Is soo calming, it's like nicotine, alcohol, happy pills...